In my mid 20s I relocated to the UK with my job, Living and working in Essex. Looking back now my emotional and mental health was not good and had some massive life changes outside of this move. When I moved to Essex I felt this was a fresh start, New place, life and home. Running from what was happening to me and my own life back home. But truthfully, there was no running. It all still existed inside of me.
At the time I felt good in ways, my personality was bubbly and outgoing, I was pretty and got a good bit of attention. But the level of discomfort in my body would alway outweigh everything and send me into a downward spiral of negative self-talk and hate. This was so damaging to my emotional health and self esteem. So desperate to get rid of this side of me and the weight on my body, it completely consumed me to find a way to change this forever.
At this point I’d been dieting since I was 10 years old. Tried and tested everything out there and some extremes, but I was about to find my biggest extreme.
I found my next “thing”. Feeling the social pressure especially now in Essex where image was such a big thing. Bigger than Dublin at the time, I constantly found myself comparing myself to others, which since then I have broken away from these self-defeating habits.
I found weight loss surgery, something at the time that was not popular and had never crossed my mind. But I was in such a low place and desperate for change. There are different forms of weight loss surgery. Due to my weight and BMI at the time the one that was almost available to me was the Gastric balloon. This was very expensive and my BMI was still below the requirements for this but I wanted this and I was going to get it. Anything I wanted I was very determined to make happen. I found the money by moving things around and topping up a loan. When it came to my BMI I went on a binge to gain the 11 pounds I needed to gain to qualify for the surgery. I went through this whole time alone not telling my family or friends apart from one girl i had befriended in my new job, the only reason i even told her is i needed someone to collect me to be released from the hospital due to the anesthetic. What a sad and lonely journey that was. At the same time I was so excited and filled with hope that this would finally be the thing to “fix me”.
It was the day to go in and I remember going into the surgery to put me out. The nurses and doctor were so lovely, I was a mixed bag of excited and nervous. The nurses were shocked that i was there on my own to do this then more so that i was even getting it done. I could see a bit of sadness in one of their eyes. I was in and out that day. My colleague from work picked me up and brought me home and I just went to bed and slept it off. I remember waking up feeling so strange to have such a big forign object in my body and at the time felt so painful. My stomach still had to take time to get used to it and adjust.
As weeks went on and the balloon settled in my stomach I started to notice a few pounds drop off. I was so happy and elated. Thinking this is it i was feeling lighter, being very aware of what I was eating and drinking. I noticed ithe weightloss came to a stop very quickly. The 11 pounds I put on to qualify for the procedure came off but not much else. A few more weeks passed and I was starting to lose hope and the fear and negative self-talk was starting to kick back. Which led to over eating again with the wrong foods and going out and drinking too much at the weekends. This continued for a while and I was so upset that this was not what was going to work for me. I was in so much discomfort every time I ate, I had spent so much money on this and worst of all it was another failed attempt to add to the list.
I was so low after this, I got it removed after 4 months instead of the 6 month due to the level of discomfort and other not so nice symptoms that came along with it. Getting it out was such a relief but also carried a lot of sadness reflecting on the hope and excitement the day I first went in to get it. But I didn’t let that experience go in vain, I learned something huge.
My emotional eating and coping mechanisms were so strong. Stronger than a physical massive rubber balloon in my stomach. I learned here how huge our emotional state controls everything. Our underlying habits and patterns that are so deeply embedded into us.
When I look back at this story I feel so sad. But I never gave up and I never let it go in vain, it was the first little insight I got into the power of my emotional eating and that it even existed. It’s so important that we look after ourselves through hard times. To look after our emotional state. By ignoring what I was actually going on at the time I tried to just try to fix the outside which led me to hurting myself even further out of a place of desperation and despair. The truth is it must start from within.
Years later I have done the emotional work on this and have broken away from my emotional and binge eating patterns. This was a hard journey as it was the only way I was taught how to cope through hard times.
Now today I am so happy I am using all this knowledge and pain from the past to help people all over the world break free.
If you are considering any extremes or weight loss surgery just really sit with it. Ask yourself is the weight just a by-product of your emotional state and coping mechanisms. Make sure you have therapy in place around this time.
I have worked with several women on my program years after having permanent weight loss surgery, then months or years after their emotional patterns kicked back in and they managed to find ways to binge. Leading them back to where they started and having to do the emotional work. I will never tell anyone not to do it but I will advise to look inside, why are you here, what has led you to this moment, is there another way out.
I hope my story here may help even one person. If you come across this blog and you are considering weight loss surgery but would love to know another way out feel free to reach out to me with any questions about other options.
Martina X
